Stress Relief (Part 1): Why It's So Hard for Caregivers to Meditate and What to Do About It

(Note: This is first in a series of health-related posts that frame each topic in terms of the particular struggles busy, stressed-out, exhausted caregivers experience. Information is pulled from current research that might be most beneficial)

We all know that acting as a caregiver for a disabled or medically complex loved one comes with a large amount of stress. But did you know that caregiving can actually rewire your brain? Neuroscientists have begun exploring this topic, sparking much-needed conversations about the permanent changes caring for a loved one can wreak on the brain.

When we are regularly in fight or flight mode—as caregivers so often are—it turns off growth systems in the body and does things like weaken the immune system, increase anxiety, damage blood vessels, elevate blood pressure, disrupt sleep, and disturb digestive processes. Most scientist agree that chronic stress is one of the unhealthiest things our bodies and minds can experience. And if we want to combat these effects and take better control of our brain’s processing systems, research has shown we need to practice calming our minds.

We are often encouraged to do this through meditation. I have to be honest, though. I hate meditation—at least in its most popular form, which is breathwork. I felt guilty about this until I read about how researchers have discovered that for some people with anxiety and trauma, breathwork can actually make things worse, rather than better. Like many caregivers, I suffer from both.

When I try to sit with my thoughts and focus on my breathing, several unpleasant things occur. First of all, as I observe the thoughts popping into my mind, I realize that some of them really can’t be ignored. My daughter is about to run out of her anti-seizure medication and I need to refill it. It’s been weeks and I still haven’t heard back from the supply company about her wheelchair adjustments. I haven’t arranged childcare during one of my medical appointments next week. These important, time-sensitive issues will eat away at me if I simply “let them go” as we are told to do. At the very least, I have to interrupt my practice and note them down for later.

In addition, my limbic system—the group of brain structures that helps us interact with the world around us—has been trained by years of caregiving to constantly scan for threats and salient information. It is often on high alert and can be quite difficult to turn down. But more importantly, it can actually be detrimental to turn it down. Because if I disconnect from the world around me and turn off my phone—another common piece of meditation advice—I risk missing a call or text that could have serious consequences.

JJ’s caregivers and school often contact me about health and/or behavioral symptoms. Is it normal for her to scream uncontrollably for this long? What medication do you recommend we give her? Can you review this video and tell us if you think this is a seizure or a breath-holding episode? I have had times when I was in the shower and received a call summoning me to the emergency room or when I gave time-sensitive medication advice while on a treadmill at the gym. In these instances, if I had turned off my phone or tuned out, JJ would have suffered. Try relaxing and breathing with that thought in the back of your mind.

I truly believe that if caregivers are going to practice breathwork or meditation, they need to make special adjustments. We must do things like have a notebook nearby to jot down important pieces of information. It’s also okay to keep our phones on for emergencies. We should certainly mute things like social media notifications but we can still allow calls and texts to come through. If possible, we can also entrust our phone to someone who can inform us of if any urgent situations arise. Most importantly, though, we need to choose a low-stakes time—when emergencies are the least likely to happen—to engage in our practice. For me, this means early in the morning or late at night. If I do try to meditate during the day, I need to choose a time when JJ is at school or in the care of someone else. But even in these cases, it is more difficult for my mind to relax. I am much more likely to need to jump into action at a moment’s notice.

For those of you who find breathwork difficult or frustrating, there are other alternatives, especially if we expand our definition of the term meditation. Simply put, meditation is a set of mental practices we engage in repeatedly to achieve a specific mental state or output. The goal is improving mindfulness, or the brain’s ability to focus its attention on the present moment. Some neuroscientists have expanded this definition to include things like exercise—especially yoga, but it could be any type of movement—as well as creative practices. I have actually come to think of my own writing as meditation. When I can, I get up early in the morning—a very low-stakes time in our household—and use writing as a way to focus my attention on the here and now. For the most part, I’m able to let go of thoughts about the past and future, and if anything important does pop up, I note it down for later.

So, if you want to “meditate,” all you really need to do is pick something during your low-stakes time of the day that helps anchor you to the present moment. Simply choose an activity you feel will help train your brain to stay calm and focused and make it something that you actually enjoy, not something you think you should enjoy. It could be any type of exercise (walking, running, stretching, yoga), a creative endeavor (writing, sketching, knitting), or even doing chores mindfully (really focusing on the task at hand, constantly bringing your mind back to the present moment).

Research shows that you need to engage in this practice regularly—12-15 minutes daily is the minimum to receive any benefit—and that it will be a while before you see results. Remember, it took time for stress to rewire your brain. Naturally, it will take time to move the needle in the other direction. Just as with caregiving, we’re dealing with a marathon, not a sprint. But this works in our favor. As caregivers, we know how to push ourselves through challenging tasks as we slowly inch our way toward distant and difficult goals. And if there’s anything we’re good at, it’s running the marathons of life.

Join us in our next post to learn more about stress-relieving activities that extend beyond meditation.