The Stress Cycle and Medical Parenting: How We Can Use Neuroscience to Help Us Destress

I don’t think anyone needs me to list all the reasons why disability/medical parenting is stressful. Suffice it to say that they can run the gamut—from juggling pharmacy refills to witnessing our child’s near-death experiences. However you look at it, this type of parenting can take an enormous toll on us, greatly affecting not only our minds, but also our bodies.

This is certainly the case for me. Stress manifests as a tightness in my chest, rapid breathing, and/or a pounding heart. In times of a prolonged crisis—after many stress-filled days—I often experience more pronounced physical symptoms like cold sores, hives, swelling skin, insomnia, and nightmares. Often, when the crisis resolves, I become ill with a cold or the flu. Many other medical parents have experienced even more troubling physical effects. In an episode of The Rare Life podcast dedicated to stress, parents reported migraines, brain fog, temporary blindness, nervous breakdowns, and even things like teeth falling out or entering premature menopause. Clearly, if we want to remain functional for ourselves and our families, we have to do something about our stress levels. This means combatting the overabundance of the stress hormone, cortisol, that is circulating in our bodies.

The Rare Life episode and Burnout (the book that serves as a foundation for the episode) examine the idea of the stress cycle. The stress cycle is a physiological and psychological process inflicted on our bodies when we feel stressed or under threat. (Stress cycle stages include activation, fight-or-flight, middle phase, and completion). When the stress cycle is properly completed, it helps our bodies return to a state of calm. The authors of the book and the podcast host both emphasize the importance of doing something for your body every day to counteract the effects of the cortisol in your system so that you can complete the cycle.

After reading, listening to, and doing more of my own research on the stress cycle, I have come to realize that our bodies speak in chemicals, not in words. Even though our brains might know that a stressful crisis has passed—i.e., that irritating call to the pharmacy is over or our child is now safe in a doctor’s care—our bodies do not always get the message. Cortisol is still circulating and the stress cycle remains unbroken. Consequently, we need to do something that will result in a physical and chemical change in order to truly feel better. We must signal to our bodies that we are “safe.” For me, this usually takes the form of physical exercise. It is not until I am at the gym, running on the treadmill, that I feel my body relax and its chemistry begin to rebalance. Though exercise is the most effective way to do this, the podcast and book list out several other methods to complete the cycle, including giving and receiving hugs, deep breathing, and meditation.

I got even more helpful information about our body chemistry and ways to change it by reading the neuroscience book, The Dose Effect. In it, the author examines the mind-body-hormonal connection by looking at research on dopamine, oxytocin, serotonin, and endorphins. These are four hormones that, when optimized, help us live happier, healthier lives. I found the section on endorphins particularly helpful for medical parents because these are the chemicals that counteract the effects of stress. According to a review of the literature, there are five very effective ways to boost endorphins. We can do this through exercise, heat, music, laughter, and stretching.

Stressed-out medical and disability parents often complain that they don’t have time for self-care. This is certainly the case on many days. However, it is vital that we do something to counteract our chronic stress and its effects on our bodies. We can start by looking at what neuroscience tells us about increasing our endorphins and adapting these methods to our lifestyle.

Let’s start with exercise and stretching. If we can’t spend an hour in the gym, we can often stretch our bodies, sprint around the block, do a few jumping jacks, or even give our mattresses a few good punches. (Something I find extremely satisfying on tough days). When it comes to heat, we might not have a sauna or steam room, but many of us have bathtubs and the ability to take a short bath at the end of the day. Music and laughter encompass many things we can do along with our children, so we don’t have to wait for a time with reliable childcare. I have had many laughter-filled dance parties with my daughter, JJ, that have boosted my spirits. She doesn’t even have to leave her bed. She just sits up and twists her body in time to the beat.

According to research, there are additional things we can do to boost the other positive hormones in our bodies. If you want to increase your levels of oxytocin (the “bonding” hormone), you should focus on physical touch, social connection, gratitude, and celebrating your achievements. I sometimes try to counteract a stressful day by cuddling JJ, calling a friend, naming one thing I am grateful for, or getting a backrub from my husband. We can also boost serotonin (the “happiness” hormone) with time in nature, sunlight, good nutrition, calming breaths, and deep sleep. Admittedly, some of these are more doable than others for our population. We’re not always able to get a good night’s sleep, for example, but we might be able to take a quick walk outside. (Bonus points if it’s in a park or green space).

So much advice about reducing stress remains vague or frustratingly out of reach for parents like me. Instead, I prefer to focus on what the neuroscience tells us, which is that there are small but concrete ways to change our body chemistry. I try to do at least one of these every day and encourage you to do the same. This lifestyle isn’t easy and it can last for years, if not decades. We need to do whatever we can to make sure that caring for our children doesn’t wear us down mentally and physically. Completing our stress cycle by boosting the positive hormones in our bodies is a great place to start.